asurprisecalling

Following our calling to the Dominican Republic


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Sum of your mistakes

emoji ugh

“You are the sum of all of your past mistakes”.

This was a lie from satan that I believed about myself for so long.  It was truly something that had kept me in chains for so long.

Today, God spoke the exact same phrase to me, but in the form of a promise.

“Tamara, you are the sum of all of your past mistakes because that is where I grew you and molded you.”

I began to think about all of the biblical figures that messed up royally…and how God used these exact people for His glory.

Take David, for example. Man, what was he even thinking?  He had an affair with a married woman, and she became pregnant.  His solution?  Let’s have her husband killed and then she can come live with me. (Oh my word, how many times has our own best thinking gotten us in an even bigger mess???)

Yet….BECAUSE OF  ALL OF HIS MISTAKES…God continued to refer to him as “a man after my own heart”.  He redeemed him and made him king of Israel.  

Then, there was Gomer.  She was a prostitute.  God sent her a PROPHET for a husband.   She continued to return to her old ways over and over because they were known and comfortable. (Can you even imagine the church gossip that ensued?!)

YET…BECAUSE OF ALL OF HER MISTAKES…God sent Hosea to relentlessly and recklessly pursue her heart!  Because God is a faithful lover of our souls.  He did this as an example to all of us of His unconditional love and his ability to redeem even the most undeserving wanderers.

Then, there was Peter, who betrayed Jesus in His final hours of life.  Peter was part of Jesus’ posse. And, still, Peter denied even knowing Him THREE times the night before Jesus’ death.

YET…BECAUSE OF ALL OF HIS MISTAKES…when the angels descended, Jesus sent a message through them to “his disciples and Peter”.  He named Peter specifically, and continued to use Peter as a disciple to preach of the gospel after His crucifixion. 

I don’t know about any of you but this gives me great hope!

I also know that I don’t learn anything from the mountaintop, where things are good and mistake and problem free. The mountaintop has always been my resting place, where I rejuvenate for my next trek into the valley.  I am thankful that God loves me and sees value in me that He takes me to the valley.  There has never been a time that a mistake or hard time has not taught me a lesson that I would need for the next assignment that God has for me. He promises us this:

“Allow perseverance to finish its work, so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” James 1:4

 

If God can use David, Gomer, and Peter BECAUSE OF their mistakes, then…

Yes, I am a sum of my past mistakes because they grew me to be the person that I am today.  

A person in which God sees worth and wants to use for His glory!

So, let go of that shame that you are holding onto for saying or doing the wrong thing.  Let go of those feelings of worthlessness because you, too, screwed up royally.  Let go of those hateful or judgmental words of others that play over and over in your head like a broken record. Yeah, you can stop beating yourself up.  (Seriously though, stop that crap!) God will use your mistakes, screw ups, and hard times to mature you and complete you so that you are not lacking anything! God created all of us with a purpose that only we can complete!  YOU were the one specifically created for that purpose that will glorify Him!

Gosh, THAT is some freedom that I can dance in.  Can I get an amen?


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Freedom

breaking the chains

Each year, I post about the “Word for the Year”.  I wrote about it HERE and HERE and HERE

The last two years, God has given me my word in November.  If the past taught me anything, He is ready to challenge, stretch, and grow me with my 2018 word, which is “Freedom”.  In other words, this word is about to kick my booty!

As soon as I heard this word, I knew deep, down in my soul that this year would be a year of reckoning. Just hearing this word made me feel lighter.  There has been so much over the past 5 years that has been weighing me down and causing me to feel enslaved. I am ready to be free of those things.

I recently read this from Brené Brown in Rising Strong:

“It takes courage to share a story that is still in the process.  To say, I am still in the rumble.  Still trying to figure out what is true and what is not.”

In my last post, A place of healing, I wrote that, when we first returned to the states, God ask me to “Be still and be quiet”.  As always, with God’s instructions, that was wise and necessary.  However, now, I feel He is telling me to speak…to be raw and vulnerable…and honest.  This, I believe, will be part of my healing.  It is part of my Freedom walk. It is a way that He is setting me free from the chains that have bound me.

Oh, how I would love for this season to be finished.  How I would love to continue to wrestle through all of this quietly alone, as I have been doing . How I would love to be writing AFTER the rumble…AFTER the lessons have been learned…AFTER the pain has subsided, and we could bask in God’s glory for the journey that was traveled. I would so love to wrap all of the pain and lessons up, and present them to my readers in a pretty little package wrapped in a satin bow.

Unfortunately, that is not what I feel God asking me to do.  He is asking me to speak IN this season BEFORE I have the answers.  He is asking me to strip naked and present all of this as it is.  He is asking me to tell the journey that I have been on since returning to the states.  He is asking me to name my pain for the world to see. He is also asking me to share the joy, the hope, and the victories with you. (Of course, that part will be easy.)

I do not feel courageous.  I feel fear. 

To speak publicly about very private pain is scary. With all of this comes great responsibility.  I need to be aware and accountable with my words. My hope is, by speaking of the physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and healing, that someone else seeks God to help release you from the chains that bind you.  My hope is that other missionaries that have returned, or will be returning, from the field, understand some of the pain and confusion and transition in which they have or will travel.

My story may possibly not look exactly the same as many of yours.

Still, I hope that my words are the words that you need to begin your Freedom walk.

Galatians 5:1

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.”