After splaying my fleshly, human self out all over the interwebs in my last blog (see here—>A Simple Question), I felt very vulnerable and exposed. I feel that way every. single. time that I am open and honest publicly about my struggles. I don’t want to appear to be unhappy with our decision to move here…or ungrateful…or judged for not being a “good enough Christian” for not being able to “lean on God more” or “trust in God more”…or…ummm…uhhh….weak….
God started speaking to me in ways that I never expected. The first time was from something that I read:
“God does not require that you fix yourself and then come to Him. The exact opposite is true. Come now, come quickly, and come broken and horrifyingly messy.”
Well, goodness gracious…I was definitely horrifyingly messy! Even though I am a Christian, it does not mean that I am not still broken and messy. To me, it just means that I know where to get my strength…over and over again!
Next was during church. Because I cannot understand much of what is being said during church, I read my bible. Prior to this particular service, I was feeling very sad. When I opened my bible, I saw a post-it note on the front page that I don’t remember writing and don’t remember ever noticing it any of the other times that I opened my bible:
He knows what we need and was showing me what He needed to tell me. As I read the passages above, I continued to search for more scriptures. His word continued to fill my heart and give me relief from my hurt.
Then, I left for Spanish school in which I was staying in a very small apartment for two weeks while studying. During that time, He was healing me without me even realizing it. In my last post, I wrote about struggling with:
My loss of freedom– The first week, I spent the majority of that time alone in my apartment unless I was in class. I had tons of freedom to walk around the city alone, have a latte or ice cream in the afternoon, watch what I wanted on TV (even though I rarely watched it), etc. I felt free. My steps began to lighten…as well as my mood. Don’t misunderstand me…I love my family to the moon and back. It was just nice to be alone with myself…and begin to connect with that person again.
Missing my female support system– During this time, Mo brought one of my friends from the community to stay the night with me. She and I walked around the city, sat in the park, laughed, and talked. (Somehow, we understand one another, even with my broken Spanish.)
We had friends from the states vacationing in the Northern part of the island. They messaged us and said “We want to come see you!”, and they rented a car and did just that! We loved having them here and sharing our community with them. Most importantly, I loved having a friend from the states to talk to in English. Thanks, Darcy and Don!!! You will never realize how much I needed your visit!
Another friend that moved to Santo Domingo this summer met me for dinner one night. I cannot even describe how much this young lady filled my soul! We sat and talked for almost 4 hours! Thanks, Julia!
One night Lexie stayed with me. It was so nice to have that time alone with her. One night Mo stayed with me. We haven’t had 24 hours alone since before we moved here! It was soooo overdue!!! Thank you, Kristi and Keely for watching our monkeys for us!
Being spiritually fed – I spent a lot of time studying, praying, and journalling. God knew how much I needed this time to reconnect with Him and myself. I watched a few sermons and read many devotionals online. There were times of sadness and happiness. There were times where I felt God gently showing hard places on my heart that need work. We (God and I) are working on those things. It may take awhile but my heart and soul are on the mend.
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”- Psalm 37:4
All of this to say…God heard my cries! Because I sought Him and refused to isolate any longer, He gave me the desires of my heart. Often we think that our desires are material or tangible things, like cars, houses, a better job, a spouse, a baby. However, sometimes those desires…
…are just ways to heal a hurting heart…
…and that all happened in my apartment in the city!